entry #6: my dad's death, what I'm feeling, and what's next
Hello,
I hope my fellow Americans had a nice Thanksgiving weekend. My inbox is inundated with emails, and I apologize for adding one more to yours.
It's been two months since the last update. Welcome to everyone who is new! Thank you for signing up. I have more planned for this email list and will share that shortly.
So much has happened since the last update:
I saw one of my best friends get married
I spent a week in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania knocking on doors and encouraging people to vote
I visited New York for the first time since I lost my job and moved in with my grandma in LA
and my dad died
It was two months of high highs and low lows.
my dad's death
As you may know, my dad died on November 3rd. He died from "massive pulmonary hemorrhaging" which is the jarring cause of death printed on his death certificate. In layman's terms it just means he died from bleeding in his lungs. He was undergoing a bone marrow transplant to treat leukemia. Both leukemia and the bone marrow transplant process inhibit the body's blood production so my dad did not have an immune system or platelets. He contracted an infection that caused his lungs to bleed. Without platelets his body was unable to stop the bleeding naturally. Doctors were unable to stop the bleeding surgically.
He died on a Sunday. I woke up that morning in New York City. I was excited to be in New York. It was my first time back after being fired a year prior. It was my first break from taking care of my dad since August. I wasn't planning to be back in Seattle with him until Christmas. I was excited. I felt lighter for the first time in months.
It was a beautiful, fall day. The sky was blue and the sun was out. It was cool enough for a sweater but not too cold to go outside. I woke up to a text from my brother:
"Hi Grant, Dad got transferred to the ICU tonight about 10:30, primarily due to not being able to keep his oxygen saturation high enough. They intubated him soon after arrival and are running tests on his lungs, they are worried about a lung infection."
I talked with my brother and mom around 10am. I decided to fly back the following morning. I watched the New York City marathon runners go by as we talked. I was worried, but not much. The last three months had been nothing but complications: infections, spreading leukemia, bed sores, a hernia. All were manageable.
At 2pm, I got another call from my mom and brother. The doctors were wheeling my dad into surgery in an attempt to stop the bleeding. My mom encouraged me to book a flight ASAP. It was too late to catch the 3pm flight so I booked a seat on a 6:30pm flight out of Newark. I was sitting by the gate when my brother called.
"There were no complications with the surgery, but they weren't able to stop the bleeding".
My flight was boarding so I hung up. I sat down in my seat. My brother called again. My mom was on the phone.
"The doctors are here and want to talk to all of us" he said.
"This is the end of his life. He is bleeding to a point it cannot be reversed" said the doctor.
The plane pushed back.
I was an hour away from Seattle when my dad died, less than 24 hours after he was admitted to the ICU.
what I'm feeling
Grief, empty, relief, excitement, resilience.
grief
Grief is weird. My dad is the first person I've lost close to me so I'm figuring this out as I go. The waves of grief are real. Most of the time I feel relatively normal and then the loss hits. I like the waves in some ways though. They feel unbearable but they also remind me of him.
empty
I'm not sure if this is the right name for what I feel. It takes a lot of energy for me to do things (like write this email). Even small tasks, like responding to texts, can take a lot of energy. Taking care of my dad gave me a lot of purpose. Now that he's gone, I feel more aimless.
relief
My dad's story has ended and this chapter of my life is now closed too. I feel relief from the uncertainty. I can finally start the grieving and healing process.
excitement
I have my life back. I don't have any real responsibilities. I can do whatever I want which is both exciting and scary.
resilience
The past year has been a year from hell in many ways. It's also been a meaningful, beautiful year. As it wraps up, I can't help but feel grateful for just being here. We made it through, and we're still standing.
what's next
I don't know to be honest. Some general ideas that resonate:
taking life less seriously
being selfish / listening to what I want
creating things for fun
stepping outside my comfort zone
telling stories
This year I put pressure on myself particularly when it came to being "successful". It's exhausting and has made life less fun. I did things because I felt like I should, not necessarily because I wanted to.
Much of this comes from not having income too. I limit what I do, and it's hard for me to enjoy things I do spend money on. All of this is my own doing though. I have more choice and agency in how I approach my life.
A few specific things that sound fun / exciting / scary right now:
writing publicly
improv or standup comedy
playing music
road tripping to see friends
traveling solo
going on dates
working with my hands
cooking
learning basic carpentry / plumbing / electrical skills
hosting events
becoming a pro at driving stick (my dad has a manual truck)
getting projects my dad left behind finished
I certainly won't do all of those, but I'd like to do some.
what I'm enjoying
The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
Many of you have recommended this. I'm about half way through and really enjoy it. The writing is excellent and the message is timeless.
K Dramas
I’m starting to get into K Dramas. I finished Itaewon Class and started Queen of Tears.
Cooking
I used to love cooking for the craft. I still cook but mostly for the necessity. I've been enjoying getting back to the craft. I'm hosting a tasting menu with friends in Alaska when I'm home for Christmas (invite above).
As always, thank you for reading. 🙏 I hope you have a great day.
- Grant