How do you stay so positive?

My dad’s first day of cancer treatment in Seattle

I try to keep these answers short which means there is inevitably more I want to say than I write. Anyone can ask a follow up (or anything else) here:

Question

How do you stay so positive?

I'm going through a difficult time at the moment but even after losing your dad you still seem so optimistic, so hopeful. How?

Answer

I think I identify with hopeful more than optimistic. I don’t subscribe to the always positive, “good vibes only” mindset either. Life has a lot of hardship. My life this year has sucked in many ways. My dad’s leukemia treatment was awful as was his death. Losing my job was terrible. Seeing my grandma get old and her struggles is hard. The anxiety from the uncertainty of my life is a constant battle.

At the same time, I am grateful for so much in life:

• I had a meaningful relationship with my dad

• I spent a lot of time with him before he died

• He died relatively quickly and without much pain

• I have a mom and brother whom I’ve become closer with

• I have a platform to share my and my dad’s stories

• I’ve become a better, more empathetic person

• I’ve connected with people from all over the world

• I’ve learned a lot about myself

and there is so much more beyond my dad that I’m grateful for as well:

• I have a grandma I’m close with that lets me stay with her

• I am financially able to not work for a year

• I get to work on the things that I’m interested in

• I can work from anywhere

• I have a great group of friends who check in on me

• I have a hometown that always makes me feel welcome

• I am able to lift weights and run

• I climbed Mt. Whitney this summer

• I saw one of my best friends get married

• I get to read and learn about the world

• I drink coffee and eat good food

• I get to share that food with people I care about

To be clear, I don’t always feel that gratitude. I try to remind myself what I’m grateful for and sit with the feeling when I don’t. Journaling and making lists like the one above help. I can’t recommend it enough.

This isn’t to white wash the hardship and pretend it doesn’t exist either. It’s just not the only thing that exists.

resilience

I also try to reminding myself that I’ll be okay. I think that belief is what resilience is. That doesn’t mean that everything will be okay, but whatever happens I’ll be okay. I will find a way to be okay.

That also means that I am responsible for finding a way to be okay. One of the hardest parts of losing my dad and my job was not being in control of the ultimate outcome. It was and still is important for me to focus on the things I can control to counteract that. Exercise, diet, reading, journaling, spending time with friends and family, doing things that sound fun, and being outside are just a few of the many things in my control that I lean on.

None of this makes the hurt go away. It just makes it more bearable.

final random thought

I wasn’t sure where to fit this in, but think it’s important to note. I spent a lot of time helping my dad in his final months. I think that has a big impact on how I feel. I’m not stuck with much guilt or regret. I am proud of how I showed up.

The time was all consuming and, now that it’s over I have my life back. I feel relieved and excited which keep me hopeful and moving forwards.

Thanks for reading.

- Grant